Today was my first Tuesday with no volunteering, officially. Ok, so I slept it once and I was too "sick" to go once, but this is their spring break, so I obviously I don't go. I am really going to miss my beautiful kids. Oh my gosh... yes, I'm going to miss them a lot. But I suppose things happen for a reason and there are definitely seasons in my life. New things are always happening and my plans are always changing. It might be nice to have some consistency in my life, but things would just get too boring.

Tomorrow's going to be a crazy day. I have so much planned to be crammed in. Who knows if it will really, actually happen. My life is always... inconsistent. hahaha.

I drank a Beaver Buzz which is "dam good" at about 9:30 tonight, and so I'm definitely having trouble sleeping. My whole body is quivering because I almost never have caffeine. I can't even think about sleeping. 

I've almost completely lost all motivation for school. I'm way past the "jasmin-gets-bored-after-5-weeks" mark, and although I'm finally starting to meet people around campus, I want to get out of there. I'm loving the people, but I'm so sick of the classes. I want to attack them and ask them "why?" and then learn as much as I can. Like so many people, I've found that I enjoy taking the classes to learn about new things, but I hate the testing of the knowledge. I can't prove that I know it, but somewhere deep inside of me, I swear I know it.

I'm scared to go to Guatemala next year. I'm applying to the University of San Carlos and will be verifying everything this June.  I was so excited to go, because I think that it will take me to where God wants me to be in life, but I'm scared because of everything that I'm building here will be left behind. It's the same feeling as I had before I went last time. I had everything worked out before I left the last time, and when I left, I felt entirely uprooted. If anyone who knows me reads this, they will know that this uprooting actually turned out to be a good thing. If I had continued doing what I had planned, I would be in more of a mess than I am already in right now.

This past year has been an incredible learning experience in so many ways. I have learned, and continue to learn about life from different perspectives - Christian, non-christian, first-world, third-world... It had confused me and beaten me up, but I think that I am emerging from it the best that I can. I slip and fall often, but I'm learning to fight harder and to not give up. I think the weather helps.

I'm discovering so much about myself. I'm starting to be able to pick out the pieces of myself and predict situations. I'm allowing myself to be who it truly is and to stop prtending for the sake of other people. I'm becoming more honest, but at the same time, I feel lost in a sea of half-truths. The three parts of me are becoming more and more distinct, but I'm at peace with it. 

I pray for a friend, a good friend in whom I can trust, and that I can be someone that this person can trust in. I think I would like a friendship that for once wouldn't be draining or unhealthy; a relationship that gives as much as it takes. I want a friend who won't abandon me and who I won't ever abandon. Someone with whom I could be deeply connected, to have intellectual conversation with and to be ridiculously silly with. At times I think that this person doesn't exist.

I don't want a romantic relationship right now, as much as my heart longs for one. I'm not ready for one, and there are so many more opportunities for someone who is single. Without romance, I am not tied down to anything. I can live life as I choose, spending time with whomever I choose, going wherever I choose. I really, really appreciate the freedom, at least at this point in my life. I fall in love too easily. I need to mature first.

At the same time, I long for someone to love. It would be lovely to have someone for whom I could write songs and poetry and silly "love" notes. Someone to absolutely adore and hug and cuddle with. I really miss it. At times I wish I had never been in any kind of relationship, so that I wouldn't miss it. But right now is my season of singleness, so i will appreciate it until it is over. Perhaps I can write songs for God instead. It's not quite the same.

I dyed my hair black this morning. It felt good to have it black again. Black is sexy. Too bad I don't have brown skin , blue eyes, lucious lips, and long wavy hair to go with the colour. Then I'd be gorgeous and that would be cool.

What does it really matter though? I would rather be God's instrument and do what he wills for me to do.  It's so difficult to give up everything I ever wanted. I understand that in doing this, I will gain more than what I wanted, but I've never really seen it in a practial sense.

I want to go back to Hawaii. I miss it like crazy, despite its white american  aspect. I used to want to live there. I had planned to study biology so that I could be a marine biologist in Maui. That's clearly not what God has gifted me in. I would still like to spend a summer or something either working on a ranch, or with some biologists just as an assitant that they could boss around.

I called Makena stables yesterday (the place where all the pictures on horseback were taken), and they laughed when I asked if I could get a temporary job with them. That hurt my feelings, but I figured it was a good sign that Maui is not where I'm supposed to be right now. I had planned to go back there with Carla a couple of years ago, to volunteer on "target island" or Kaho'olawe. Like the rest of my plans, it fell through and I didn't get to go. It's just really expensive there and there's really no public transport and, even though my Aunt has a place there, it's a hopeless dream that I have in my heart. I feel embarassed to express this because everyone wants to go to Hawaii. Even though I didn't grow up there, it feels like a second home. I had so many good memories. Maui was where I learned to walk. I remember when my parents were there, together, and not fighthing. Maui is where I have most of the memories of my grandparents. I want to go back, but I am spoiled in my travels, and it's not realistic for me to go, when I'm already averaging 2 big trips a year. When would I fit it in, anyway? I also want to visit Kaua'i, like I always have. I always asked why we couldn't go there, since it has a reputation for being the most beautiful island, but it's too expensive, and we don't have a place there. Whatever. It's not in my future.

I would also like to go back to Bulgaria, but I'm not in a rush to return.

I worry about the future too much. I want to do everything. I want to enjoy my life while making a difference and doing God's will. I worry that I won't end up doing what God wants, because I'm so caught up in it all. I don't understand why God does things the way that he does. There are so many things I don't understand, and as life goes on, it gets a lot more complicated. I don't like getting older, I feel as if I'm missing something. People hear about what I've done in my life and they say "...and you did all that before you turned 20?"  But I can't see the big deal in it. I hear and read of other people doing insane things, and I want to do better. I'm taking 18 credits this semester. What's that? I know someone who's taking 22.

I don't know where life is taking me, and I don't want to die having done nothing for the world. Living in Hawaii would do nothing for the world, even if I became a hardcore recycler. I want to positively influence people, but how can I do that when I constantly slip into depression and suicide? I want to break the cycle of poverty, but how can I do that without education? I want the christian population to live like real Christians, but how can I want something that I, myself cannot fulfill? I want to kill the crime in central america. I so, so badly want the crime to end. I want to stop the drug trade in latin america. I want to help educate people about other cultures and how to be considerate towards them. I want to study languages! 

I think I just want to belong somewhere. I don't belong here, and I feel it everyday. I want to be important, necessary, loved.

I hate being vulnerable.

I hate being abandoned. I've been abandoned by so many people in my life, I'm terrified of it happening again, and I know it will.

I'm tired of being in love with the wrong people.

Who is God? I want to know. I so desperately want to know. The only reason I want to go to heaven is to be with God and to know who he really is. I want him to hold me and wipe my tears away and explain the purpose of everything. I want him to nominate me a warrior so I can go kick some demon butt. I always feel like God is stretching me and asking me to grow, testing me, teaching me and it's all so very, very painful. I'm really not very good at life.

I hate being in love.

Unreciprocated love. Haaaa the story of my life. Either I like them and they don't like me, or they like me and I don't like them. If I like someone and I find out they like me, then I don't like them anymore. I used to stop liking guys after the first kiss, but I've been kissed so many times now that it all kind of died. The one guy that I kissed and still liked afterwards turned out to be a tad bit crazy, so I can't base anything on a kiss.

Black hair and piercings is hot.

Speaking another language is hot.

Hey. I have all 3 muahaha.

Playing the guitar and singing is super hott. That's right, double t'd.

Ahhh but what does it all matter?

I figured out a long time ago that I have to become what I want in a "partner". But the thing is, I don't want a clone. I want someone who can inspire me and lift me up. Most importantly, somehow who facilitates my relationship with God.

I figure I should only get married to a person if I can't serve God better alone. For me, that's really hard to accept, because I want someone to love. But God is most important. Not what I want.

Then at other times I just want to leave this world, abandon myself to a dream world which doesn't exist, but I can sink into and have it devour me.

I used to want to be a writer.

I gave that up when I realized I couldn't think of anything to write about. I refused to settle for anything ordinary. If I was going to write something, it had to be beautiful, eye-opening and touch the soul. I still want to write a novel one day and have it published. If God ever inspires me with the topic and the words to write it, then I will do it. But it has to be something that will significantly impact people's lives. I want an important truth to be woven into it in a way that by the end it is so clear that people get up and do something about it.

I also want to make a CD.

I want to record and sell a CD. I also want to be in a band. I also want to adopt children and be an interpreter. I want to act in a major motion picture. I want to own a ranch in Mexico by the ocean and discover ancient Mayan ruins that would in turn reveal an answer to some of the most difficult questions that scientists have today.

I want to love children. I would be absolutely thrilled to have a job that paid me to love and play with children. I want to travel to iceland. I want to live in the jungles as well as the mountains as well as by the sea. I want to learn every language in the world, I want to discover every culture. I want to be so in tune with the spiritual world that I would be able to be a true warrior of God. I want to discover the secret that God has hidden from us. I want to save the world.  I want to find the thread that goes through all of mankind. I want to translate the "heavenly tongues" that people seem to speak in pentecostal churches. I want so much of what I can never obtain.

My heart breaks for those who do not know God. My heart breaks for those trapped in misery. My heart breaks for those who want to escape this life. My heart breaks for the bitter, the broken-hearted, the lonely, the afflicted, the demon-posessed, the starving, the thirsty, the hurting, the unloved. I want to solve all of their problems. I want to heal them. But I can't. I do not have the power to do that, only God does.