march 19, 2008

I feel so drained. I thought that I could escape all of this, but it always comes pouring back. It's all my fault, it's always my fault. As soon as I come to terms with something, it gets thrown around and I get beaten up for it. I beat myself up.

Because I drove Josh across the border last night, he took me out for dinner this evening.  We went for Indian food, which he hasn't had in a long time. He doesn't tend to eat "exotic" food.

Stephan is coming over tonight to watch Apocalypto with me. I'm going to feed him the cake that Josh made for my, Nadine and his own birthday on Monday. It was actually a pretty good cake.

I went to find Kuya Justin today in the dorms, and everything made me really want to live there, but the school is so expensive as it is, living on residence, when I already live so close, seems like a joke. I used to make fun of people who live so close and don't commute, but they are part of a community that I can't access. They have something that I want so badly, but am scared to obtain, because what if I had the opportunity and couldn't make it work? It's like camp, except for a much longer period of time. It's the "true" college experience. But money. Life seems to revolve around money, even though it shouldn't.

I so desperately want that community. As much as I try to create it, I feel doomed to never have it. But is it what God wants for me anyway? I thought I was giving up all of my hopes and dreams to follow God? I think that's a good idea. I shall still attempt it.

 


 
 
 
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